Mixed Bag of Feelings

Clients often share their confusion around feelings.

 “But I feel happy and I feel sad. I feel angry and I have so much compassion. I don’t understand. How can I feel two opposing feelings at the same time?”  Some say, “This isn’t who I am. I’m not a jealous person. I’m generous. I’m always positive, so why do I feel so devastated and yet also hopeful?” 

I hold both hands out palms upwards. I lift my left hand up slightly. “This is jealousy”, I say.” It is here.”  I then motion to my right hand. “This is generosity. Your jealousy and your generosity are both real and they both have a right to be here.” I move my hands as if I’m balancing an invisible scale. 

And I am. Recently, the delicate topic of ‘empty nesting’ gave me a wallop that took my breath away.  My eldest has been living back at home for the past year. I love having her around … and I could put off pondering , what happens when they all fly away? I was feeling a little smug I suppose. That was until  she returned from a job interview in a faraway town, gushing about how it was her dream job, in fact, her dream everything. I was there with her, imagining yoga on the terrace, free breakfasts, barista coffees on demand, gym membership and lots of purposeful, confident people chatting about media and advertising.  She also shared how the trip to Manchester, her University town, had made her realize that regardless of the job, she wanted to be living there.

While I was digesting this information, noticing in me excitement for her and a cloying resistance in me, her phone rang. It was the dream company. They offered her the job. My daughter, who is never one for showing intense emotions, burst into tears, shaking with joy and happiness. “I’m so happy” she said over and over.  And I was so happy too. I was so happy, so thrilled to see my daughter so happy, so thrilled. I felt proud, relieved, excited … and I felt sad and alone, pushing out thoughts like, ‘maybe she or they will change their minds’.  

Should I judge myself for my ‘what about me’ feelings? Should I call myself selfish because I am sad to lose her and that this flying the nest properly this time makes me feel as empty as a drum? It was only three days earlier I had stood  proud and sniveling as I said goodbye to my youngest, who was starting university life. Should I berate myself for being so greedy when I have been blessed to have children, blessed to be loved by them, blessed beyond measure in fact. 

No. 

Of course I felt everything I felt. Why wouldn’t I? Just because I am often kind, thoughtful, compassionate and encouraging doesn’t mean I am only those ‘nice’ qualities. I am a mixed bag of light and dark, good and bad. I am me, a full blown human being. So I made compassionate space within me for all my emotions, not just the ones I wanted to feel. With her, I enthused and eagerly listened to the story of how, where, why and what. I genuinely wanted to share these joyous moments fully with her. AND it was almost as if I had an arm around the other me, the me that was looking into a chasm of aloneness and grief. The me that felt sorry for herself, consumed with her sadness; wishing she didn’t have to feel these painful feelings; wishing she could somehow bypass this me. And yet I don’t. Deep within me there is also a quiet cry of joy. It’s great to be human. It’s great to feel .. everything. 

I have a turbulent relationship with labels and terms, but Thank you Dr. Jamie Zuckerman for coining the term, “Toxic Positivity” to explain our obsession to only feeling positive good vibes. Thanks also holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl for his opposing phrase, “Tragic Optimism” describing the search for meaning during the inevitable tragedies of human existence. 

I would love to hear comments and a catchier phrase than ‘it’s ok to have a mixed bag of feelings,” so please do contact me on lisa@lisalawscoaching.com with your thoughts.